dear mammograms,
Just so you know, I'm going full Ramona on this one.
While pondering the pain of mammograms the other day, it occurred to me that men do not have to endure anything even close to such a procedure.
But doncha know if they did it would resemble nothing like today's current mammogram machinery. If a man had to have his penis flattened with potentially 17 psi, (like me with my right breast) then I daresay we would be witnessing the dawn of luxury machinery for what I like to call a mann-o-gram.
I picture a darkened room.
Maybe a bed-like space upon which to become comfortable.
Certainly there would be no "walking into" the apparatus.
No.
I'm quite sure the machine would have the capability to be "lowered onto" the body part to be x-rayed.
Maybe something a bit tube shaped.
Or perhaps the body part could be "lowered into." Would that not be delightful?
Then perhaps a gentle squeezing would begin, much like a blood pressure cuff, but much, much more slowly.
Then, say, when one can barely endure the pressure anymore, (much like a mammogram, but without the ensuing pain) the pressure eases off.
Oh but wait sir, may I get one more picture? Just to be sure?
And I'll increase the pressure so very, very slowly so you don't become breathless.
Sir! Why are you so breathless?
Do you need a tissue?
And don't even try to talk to me about getting a finger or 2 up your fanny when you turn 50! or whatever. Big Whoop.
Most women, by the time they have turned 50 have had 30 years of speculums, pelvic exams and maybe even a sexy cervical biopsy.
Since you have never had a speculum inserted into a body part, you get to shut up you face. (to be said all Italian-like.)
I leave a mammogram appointment feeling a little assaulted, a bit bruised and with reddened breasts. You leave your mann-o-gram appointment with a satisfied swagger. Huh.
Oh well. At least I don't have testicles!
Just so you know, I'm going full Ramona on this one.
While pondering the pain of mammograms the other day, it occurred to me that men do not have to endure anything even close to such a procedure.
But doncha know if they did it would resemble nothing like today's current mammogram machinery. If a man had to have his penis flattened with potentially 17 psi, (like me with my right breast) then I daresay we would be witnessing the dawn of luxury machinery for what I like to call a mann-o-gram.
I picture a darkened room.
Maybe a bed-like space upon which to become comfortable.
Certainly there would be no "walking into" the apparatus.
No.
I'm quite sure the machine would have the capability to be "lowered onto" the body part to be x-rayed.
Maybe something a bit tube shaped.
Or perhaps the body part could be "lowered into." Would that not be delightful?
Then perhaps a gentle squeezing would begin, much like a blood pressure cuff, but much, much more slowly.
Then, say, when one can barely endure the pressure anymore, (much like a mammogram, but without the ensuing pain) the pressure eases off.
Oh but wait sir, may I get one more picture? Just to be sure?
And I'll increase the pressure so very, very slowly so you don't become breathless.
Sir! Why are you so breathless?
Do you need a tissue?
And don't even try to talk to me about getting a finger or 2 up your fanny when you turn 50! or whatever. Big Whoop.
Most women, by the time they have turned 50 have had 30 years of speculums, pelvic exams and maybe even a sexy cervical biopsy.
Since you have never had a speculum inserted into a body part, you get to shut up you face. (to be said all Italian-like.)
I leave a mammogram appointment feeling a little assaulted, a bit bruised and with reddened breasts. You leave your mann-o-gram appointment with a satisfied swagger. Huh.
Oh well. At least I don't have testicles!
